Nurse Jokes and Nursing Humor

Doctor in Hell

A doctor dies and goes to Hell. The Devil greets him and tells him that he would have to choose his eternity.

The Devil opens the first door, in which doctors are hanging from their ankles and being whipped by demons. “Oh my God, I don’t want that!” the doctor replies.

The Devil opens a second door to reveal doctors on fire being chased by huge, man-eating beasts. “That one’s even worse!” exclaims the doctor.

devilsuit.jpgThe Devil then opens a third door that shows doctors in lounge chairs being served tropical drinks by gorgeous, scantily clad nurses. Excited, the doctor yells, “Sign me up for that eternity!”

The Devil slams that door and says, “I’m sorry, you can’t go there. You weren’t supposed to see that.”

Confused, the doctor asks, “What? Why can’t I go there?”

The Devil replies, “Because that’s Nurse Hell.”

Bad News

A young, attractive woman brings her much older husband into a hospital with chest pains. He’s pale and sweating profusely and is having trouble catching his breath. The head nurse on duty takes him to a room and makes him as comfortable as possible. She returns to the patient’s wife with a worried look on her face.

“Ma’am,” she says. “I have to tell you, I don’t like how your husband looks.”

“Neither do I,” replies the wife. “But he’s rich, and he just put me in the will.”

Nursing Home

One evening a family drops their frail, elderly mother off at a nursing home, promising they’ll come to see her the next day. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses rush over and catch her, then straighten her up in the chair. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more put her back upright. This goes on all morning until her family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask her, “So, Mom, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” the old woman replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

coins.jpgQuarters

Doctor: “Nurse, how is the little boy who swallowed those quarters doing?”

Nurse: “No change yet.”

A Surgeon and a Puppy

What’s the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?

If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it’ll probably stop whining.

Nurses in Heaven

Three nurses die and go to Heaven. They’re met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questions each of them.

“What did you used to do back on Earth?” he asked the first nurse. “Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?”

“I was a nurse at an inner city hospital,” she tells him. “I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children.”

“Very noble. You may enter.” He ushers her through the gates and asks the same questions to the next nurse.

“I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon,” the second nurse replies. “For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help heal people in isolated tribes.”

“Excellent!” St. Peter exclaims and allows her to pass through the gates as well. Finally he poses his questions to the third nurse.

She hesitates, then explains, “Well, I was just a nurse at an HMO.”

St. Peter considers her answer for a moment, then tells her, “OK, I guess you can enter, too.”

“Whew!” the nurse exclaims. “I almost thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” St. Peter tells her. “But you can only stay for three days.”

Happy Nurse

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

Glasses

Patient: “Nurse, I think I need glasses.”

Teller: “You certainly do! This is a bank.”

fortuneteller.jpgThree Wishes

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and charge nurse from a small nursing home are taking their lunch break when in walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large stoned jewelry.

“I am ‘Gina the Great’,” proclaims the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant you each one wish!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes.

Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first: “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with muscular men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant is gone.

The floor nurse went next: “I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me hot chocolate and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too disappears.

“Now, what is the last wish?” Gina the Great asks the charge nurse.

The nurse replies, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

Thermometers

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Fruits & Vegetables

A man walks into a hospital with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with you?” a nurse asks.

“I dunno,” the man replies. “I’m just not eating properly.”

Get Well

A motorcycle patrolman is rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operate and advise him that all was well. However, the patrolman feels something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that there was still something wrong, he gathers the energy to pull his hospital gown down so he can see what was making him so uncomfortable.

There he sees taped firmly across his hairy chest three wide strips of extra-sticky adhesive tape. Written in large black letters on the tape was a message: “Get well quick…from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

doctoryell.jpgYelling Doctor

A new nurse who just graduated from college walks into an examination room to find the doctor agitated, shouting things like “Typhoid!” “Polio!” “Tetanus!” “Measles!”

Confused, the new nurse turns to another nurse and asks, “What the heck is he doing?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” the senior nurse replies. “He just likes to call the shots around here.”

Checking Out

Walking into a hospital room, a nurse finds an elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insists to her that he doesn’t need help leaving the hospital, but the nurse explains that hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

Reluctantly, he lets her wheel him to the elevator and down to the lobby. On the way to the front door, the nurse asks the man if his wife is meeting him there.

“I don’t know,” he replies. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Tired Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, completely exhausted after a 12-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and says, “Great, now some a**hole’s got my pen.”

Hospital Tour

A nurse is showing some nursing students through the hospital. “This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you,” she explains to them. “The men on this floor are almost well.”

Light Bulbs

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

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